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Basement smells like marijuana🥺

This is a charged topic fir me but one that I am working very hard on!
Unintentional model:
C-the basement smells like marijuana
T-my stepson is tuning my house
A-ruminate, approach my husband with my concern, get upset when I don’t feel supported by him with my concerns, disconnect from my husband and stepson, worry, isolate
R-disconnected, feel stuck, feel I’m the bad guy for bringing it up

Intentional model-I’m looking for help with how to bridge the gap in my thoughts. I see how I have so much judgement in my thoughts and it leaves me feeling so bad and is unhealthy for my marriage. Help me with the rest of this please!
C-the basement smells like marijuana
T-my stepson lives here with us now and his clothes and things smell like weed
A-look at how far I have come with my thoughts, recognize that each day forward is a step closer to his independence, stick with the non judgemental thoughts, get curious about why my husband chooses to look the other way.
R-feel settled and not controlled or fearful of what the future holds for him/us.

I’m reaching with this intentional model as of today but it’s a much better place than I have been!

Hello friend,
Thanks for bringing this here. I celebrate that you are making progress in this! It's really good work to be doing. Living with other human beings is not easy!

I think there is a typo in your first model, do you mean "My stepson is RUINING my house?"
That's my guess, let me know if I'm off.

If that's the thought, that your house is being ruined, then it makes sense that you are upset about that.
If, for example, my kid overflows the bathtub every time they take a bath, and now there is water damage and mold, I might be upset about that too! But that being said, I doubt that that is the thought causing the emotion of "vindictive".

I wonder if somewhere deeper there is a thought like like
"He's disrespecting me/my property" or "He doesn't care about the boundaries we have" or "my husband ____(something something something )___". This thought may deep under there, but I suspect that is the actual T line in your unintentional model.

Does that track? What do you think that thought might be?

I'm gathering that the problem with operating from vindictiveness is that this takes you away from what you want which is love and connection with your husband and stepson, and keeps you stuck in the blame game. This feels crummy and disempowering.

Well done on your intentional model!

Tell me why this feels like a reach for you?

What do you make it mean about him that his clothes smell like weed?
What does it mean about your husband? about your relationship? about you?

Keep digging, friend!


I got a little busy last week, but I am back! I wanted to respond to the coaching you provided early last week- I have been thinking about it a bit though since then! Your questions/thoughts were:

I want you to consider the following questions from the perspective of that future-you. The one who has grace and gentleness for herself. Take a moment now to envision her, put on her coziest comfy clothes, and pour her a cup of tea. You are going to ask her a few questions: (see responses below)

- What has your perfectionism done to take care of you in the past? I think my perfectionism has helped me to find success and achievement.
- What is your perfectionism protecting you (or trying to protect you) from? Probably failure or embarrassing myself
- What does she know about your perfectionism from her perspective, that you may not know about it yet? I think my more graceful future self knows that my perfectionism is actually not the thing that helps me to find success. I think I value showing up for people, trying hard, offering my sincerest, most honest effort in the things I do-- that is probably the part of me that has helped me to find success and build trust with colleagues, family, friends, etc, irrespective of whether or not my performance was perfect or a particular outcome was achieved.

That last question felt like an interesting exercise for me. I feel like I ended up on a completely different path than we started on, beginning by thinking my perfectionism has helped me to find success and ending on the idea that its actually something else entirely. What drives my perfectionism is the thought that "if I fail, I will be seen as incompetent or unworthy." What if I thought "If I fail, I know I tried really hard and gave my sincerest, most honest effort." That would lead to trying many more things, and trying them again and again.

Welcome back, friend!

BOOM! This is INCREDIBLE insight here, friend. I got chills reading this. <3

What does this model look like?

C- you
T- "If I fail, I know I tried really hard and gave my sincerest, most honest effort"
F- ________________ (how do you feel when you think this now)
A- Try things, fail at them sometimes, try again, learn to have dialogue with your inner perfectionist without power struggle, what else?
R- you give YOURSELF your sincerest and most honest effort.

How does all of this land with you?

Advocating with the docs for our APPs

C-one of the physicians did not follow through as promised and I had to fill in the gap unexpectedly
T-I can never count on the docs
F-distrust, inadequacy about the service we provide
A-I was tearful and upset, I begrudgingly went in to see the patient, it affected my personal life
R-I felt in stuck in resentment

Please help!

Hi Friend, I'm so glad you brought this here. It sucks that this happened.

I want to clean up your model here and then we can talk about why this is so sticky.

I can tell that your C line is not neutral for you. there are some charged words and judgements in there. I know it feels really true, but it's important to keep the C line really objective and neutral. Sometimes we really need to zoom out so we can get to a place of neutrality.

C- You work with MDs. You were called in at x time for work you were not initially scheduled for
T- "I can never count on the docs"
F- Resentment (choose only one F here. Does this one feel true?)
A- You stew, look for ways to blame, look for ways your time is not valued as highly as theirs, you "begrudgingly" went to see the patient, (what else? perhaps you vent about it to colleagues, you bring it home with you? How?)
R- You can count on spending more time being angry than you wish you had.

OK, here's the thing. You are stuck here because there are things that you value that you perceive are not being honored in your workplace.

I'm picking up values of
- responsibility
- professionaliism
- integrity
- respect
- accountability
- justice

You might be thinking "I am responsible, professional, accountable, and I act with integrity and accountability and respect, why does THIS PERSON not have to do the same? It's not fair!"

It might be true that this person totally dropped the ball, did not follow through, and totally made extra work for you. Maybe they aren't held accountable for making more work for others.

It is also true that you didn't HAVE to go in (it is unlikely that someone was threatening your life if you didn't right?), but you CHOSE to go in because doing the work is aligned with your values. You would rather show up and do the work that someone else should have done, because you care about taking good care of patients, you care about being a good team member, you care about providing a good service to your patients.

You might WANT to be mad that that's not fair!

But what you see in your model here is that being committed to resenting this person actually has you moving AWAY from your values. You described "begrudgingly" seeing the patient, and I bet that's not how you like to show up in your encounters. You said you brought that home, and I bet that's not what you like to do. and right now, you are blaming all of that on this person.

From a place of curiosity, I invite you to consider the following:
- is it OK to be angry when other people's actions/inactions make more work for others? why or why not?
- List 3 reasons you might WANT to be upset or angry about this
- List 3 reasons it might be helpful to move away from resentment.

Bring it on back here for more, friend!

Overcoming Barriers

You hit the nail 100% on the head! On a visceral level, I have an all-or-nothing, perfectionistic mentality... but I really do not want to be that way. My nature tells me that to "succeed" here I have to do everything there is to offer. I know that is nuts and not true!!! I think the best way to answer your other questions is through one of the exercises I did using the model.

C- I have 3 young children, work full time in a highly acute ICU, and run an APP fellowship
T- I am not doing a good enough job in any of the arenas of my life
F- Overwhelmed, Inadequate
A- Double down, work harder, increase the pressure on myself
R- Longer to-do lists, more stress, burn out

I want to learn to re-frame my circumstances and have more grace for myself. I want to change my thought, because I can see that will change how I experience my life. I am hoping to learn some tools here to find a bit more joy in the grind we all experience every day, or at least to be gentler with myself. Does that answer your questions?

OK- it's good to know that you have some all/nothing and perfectionistic tendencies. Those developed and were reinforced in your brain over time, and you're noticing now that they aren't serving you in creating the experiences you long for in your life. Noticing is the first step.

Nice job on your Model. Your C line is neutral and it makes sense why that thought leads to overwhelm and inadequacy. I want you to try to choose just ONE Feeling per model. You can look at both overwhelm and inadequacy in separate models if you want- it can be interesting to see how the actions and results are different.

I hear you that you want to reframe your circumstances and allow more grace for yourself. Your goals for yourself in this program are beautiful, and 100% possible.

I want you to consider the following questions from the perspective of that future-you. The one who has grace and gentleness for herself. Take a moment now to envision her, put on her coziest comfy clothes, and pour her a cup of tea. You are going to ask her a few questions:

- What has your perfectionism done to take care of you in the past?
- What is your perfectionism protecting you (or trying to protect you) from?
- What does she know about your perfectionism from her perspective, that you may not know about it yet?

Bring it back here friend.

The goal might not be to banish your inner perfectionist, but to befriend them, and show them you are both on the same side. How could that be true?


Overcoming Barriers

Hi! First thank you for this program. I believe it is something we all could benefit from- and I know I certainly can! It definitely seems like to get the most out of it, it helps to truly invest in it. In doing some of the initial reflection assignments in the workbook, I found myself writing about my own anticipated barriers to finding success in this program. Probably the biggest one is the story I tell myself around how much time I have. Because I see this program as something I am doing for myself, I know I will naturally de-prioritze it behind my work and family responsibilities, which feel nearly insurmountable to me on a daily basis as it is. However, intellectually, I know there IS time for this. Many of the things on my to-do list in my daily life are self-imposed- things I have come to expect from myself if I am doing a good job at work and as a mother/wife/friend. How do I stop telling myself I have no time? How do I give myself the liberty to do something I know will benefit my mental health? How do I let other things go so I can invest in things i actually WANT to invest in?

Hi there!
Oh, you are SO WELCOME. We are glad you are here.

You have such great awareness here, and you are asking yourself ALL of the important questions. This is so so good.

One step is to notice your black and white thinking. I sense that you have an idea that either you do this program and go "all in" and prioritize it above other things, or you might as well not do it at all.
(of course you don't REALLY believe this, but it's interesting to see how our brains want to make things all/nothing). Do you pick that up in your reflection above?

You are going to hear us say a MILLION TIMES that there are no grades, no scores, no gold stars here, and that ANY AMOUNT of participation, even just reading the weekly email can be really powerful. What is your brain telling you is the "Right" way to participate?

What's really interesting to me is, here you are! Asking for coaching! Making the time! Doing the work! Why are you telling yourself you can't or you won't? All I see is evidence to the contrary 😉

I have a few questions for you to consider and bring back here for more coaching.
What do you want to be different for you at the end of these 4 months?
What does it mean to "prioritize" this? how would you know if you were or you weren't?
How would you know if you were "successful" in this program?

I look forward to what comes from these questions! Bring it on back!

Presentation Anxiety

C-I am giving my first presentation system-wide to our APPs.
T-I will look like an idiot and people will walk away disappointed after my presentation.
F-unsure and nervous and incompetent and also super grateful, inspired and excited for this opportunity
A-continue fine tuning and working on the content I currently have, continue learning and growing about the topic as I prepare
R- not sure how to answer this?

I still feel a bit stuck and realize it is my lack of confidence and experience in presenting and fear of judgement from others that is what is causing the apprehension. Any suggestions on how to move through these feelings do fear does not hold me back?

Thanks for bringing this! First, I want to let you know that this is uncomfortable because you are in a FFT (A First F*cking Time). This is the first time you are ever doing this, so of course it feels scary. This means you are paying attention and are exploring the limits of your skills and your confidence. This is the first step in expanding them, every time. You’re doing it!

In the Model offered, there are different emotions that are likely coming from different thoughts and could be leading to different results. One tip is to choose the one emotion that fits best with the thought you are exploring. You can do a different model with each thought-emotion combination and see how they each affect you.

Using this one for example:
C-I am giving my first presentation system-wide to our APPs.
T-I will look like an idiot and people will walk away disappointed after my presentation.
F-Incompetent (Is that how you feel when you think that? If not, insert the emotion that feels right)
A-____________________(what things do you see your self doing or not doing coming from that feeling? I see you doubting yourself, second guessing, judging yourself in advance, imagining what other people will think? Are you advancing your preparation from that feeling? Are you advoiding work on it? Get really juicy here)
R- finding evidence of all the things you don't know //judging yourself to be an idiot//disappointed in yourself

You also have a model that is serving you really well! Let’s look at what that one is too!
C- Upcoming presentation
F- __________________(grateful? Inspired? Excited?
A-continue finetuning the presentation, normalize that you are learning about the topic and growing as you prepare, ask for coaching here, (what else? Maybe you rehearse the presentation in advance in front of trusted friends or mentors, ask for feedback, practice on your own? What else?
R- You are showing yourself how to do this new big thing, and building belief in yourself that you CAN!

How does this land with you? Anything you would add or change?

Presentation help

I am working on my first ever presentation to present at APP Grand Rounds and I’d love feedback on what o have this far. Is that possible?

So cool that you are getting ready for your first grand rounds!

I'd LOVE to give you some coaching about your thoughts about your presentation so far. 😉

Come back here with a "thought download" about where you are right now with your preparation. If you had to give yourself feedback on what you have so far, what would you say?

Bring it on back here, friend!

dreading clinic

I like my job, I really do. I notice after a clinic day that I feel really fulfilled by seeing my patients, and I love connecting with them. But, almost without fail, I still dread a clinic day the night before. I have an overwhelming feeling of not wanting to do it (despite all this evidence I have that I do want to do it - why is my brain stuck here??). I fantasize about ways to get out of it, or make my sessions a little shorter or something. I just want to know that I will like it and get rid of the dread = it's taking up my time and makes me short with my family, and just in general feels unproductive.

Thank you for sharing this, and please know that you’re not alone!

What’s interesting, and you already noticed, is that there can be more than one “Model” about clinic going on. While it’s so helpful to identify those powerful emotions that lead you down each different result, it’s also powerful to dig around your thoughts and beliefs to see if there’s anything there you can explore more.

Here’s one Model I’m pulling out, can you identify any others?

Circumstance (neutral facts)- You work in a clinic
Thought (narrative)- “I don’t want to do it”
Feeling- Dread
Actions- fantasize about getting out of it, imagine ways to make it shorter, (what other actions or inactions are fueled by dread?)
Result- You spend your disconnecting from things you DO care about (family, your patients etc)

How does this land with you? Anything you would add or change?

You asked a wonderful question! “Why is my brain stuck here?” I think it would be an insightful exercise if you answer the question.

I’m also curious to know:
- Why do you think you are stuck here?
- What are you dreading?
- What parts of your job feel fulfilling to you?

I invite you to bring anything that comes up for you here back for more coaching.

How to Get Coached here- A message from Adrienne and Tyra

Welcome to Ask for Coaching! Here is a guide for how to get the most out of this type of coaching:

1) Title your question with something memorable for you. Unless you identify yourself in the title or in your request, your coaching request will be anonymous to other readers. If you want (and to make it easier for you to search and find your old posts later), you can add a tag unique to you (Ex: #abc)

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